Have you ever wanted to drink enough high fructose corn syrup to guarantee morbid obesity and enough caffeine to induce a tachycardic episode? Then Surge is the soda for you!
Originally created in 1996, Surge was created as Coca-Cola’s response to the popularity of Mountain Dew. It was advertised as being much more hardcore and extreme because there’s nothing we loved in the 90s more than overusing the world extreme. Extreme sports, extreme flavors, extreme comic books, extreme baby carrots, the list goes on and on. It was a really intense time for marketing that felt like someone was always shouting at us. Probably because everyone was hopped up on Surge.
I don’t fully understand why the commercial features a bunch of people in a battle royale obstacle course over old sofas in the middle of the street. Maybe it makes sense if you drink enough Surge.
As time went on, schools started banning Surge over concerns of caffeine levels being too high. Parents stopped buying it and due to lagging sales, the soda was eventually discontinued in 2002. Then, in 2011, a bunch of 90s kids got together on Facebook and created a nostalgia-fueled group called the “Surge Movement.” They harassed Coca-Cola for years until finally, in 2014, they released Amazon-exclusive soda can packs and the internet lost its collective shit. Seriously, search for “Surge soda” on YouTube and you’ll find tons of videos of YouTube celebri-wannabees rejoicing in the return of this soda, although I’m not totally sure why. It’s basically just virgin Four Loko with fewer blackouts.
In early 2015, Coca-Cola test-marketed Surge in the Southeastern United States and after a positive response, started releasing it in convenience stores nationwide in September of 2015. To me, that means that if you hate Surge, you can blame the revival on Florida.
Burger King also released a Surge slushie in case you want heart palpitations to go with your indigestion.
What sickens me is that Surge’s revival is that it’s indicative of a serious problem in the United States. People in other countries around the world riot and die for the right to vote and yet many in the U.S. remain unregistered or say they don’t bother voting. For God’s sake, the government will mail a ballot to your house–you don’t even have to put on pants! And yet, if a crappy, high octane soda from the 90s is discontinued, suddenly people are active and mobilized and signing petitions until we get our God-given right to terrible soda reinstated.
Want to vote for something other than awful soda? Register to vote by clicking here!