Throwback Thursday: The 10 Phases of Drinking (with 90s Songs)

St. Patrick’s Day is today which means a lot of you are going to go out and make poor choices with green beer while St. Patrick quietly cries in his grave. But it got me thinking about going out to the bars for a night of partying, something I don’t really do anymore because I’ve realized that my sweatpants and I are soulmates. So, in honor of an annual night of debauchery and poor choices, I present to you the 10 phases of drinking, as illustrated by 90s songs.

Phase 1: Pregame–“Barbie Girl” by Aqua (1997)

On the way to the bar, someone plays this song as a joke because it’s “soooo stuipd” and it’d be “so funny because it’s so awful.” In truth, you all pre-gamed with a couple wine coolers and are just buzzed enough to think this song is fun and campy. By the time you arrive at the bar, everyone is shouting “COME ON, BARBIE, LET’S GO PARTY!”

Phase 2: One Drink In–“Tubthumping” by Chumbawamba: (1997)

At this point, you have had one drink at the bar and it’s still a fun night (meaning you haven’t cried yet). You’re just so pumped and happy to be out in public at a bar. These are the times you will tell you grandkids about someday. THESE are the good ol’ days.

Phase 3: Dance Master–“I’m Too Sexy” by Right Said Fred (1991)

You know what’s a good idea as alcohol starts to throw off your equilibrium? Dancing. Do you know who looks like a sex panther on the dance floor? You do, champ. You do.

Phase 4: Reefer Madness–“Blue (Da Ba Dee)” by Eiffel 65 (1999)

Wanting to up your level of fun, you have either moved to another bar that loves flashing techno lights or you have purchased drugs from a bouncer–both options have pretty much the same effect. Also, before writing this post I had no idea how many lyric videos exist for this thing. How hard is it to repeat “da ba dee” for four minutes?

Phase 5: Shots! Shots! Shots!–“Jump Around” by House of Pain (1992)

Someone suggests taking a lot of shots and for some reason, this sounds like a great idea and not at all like something you’re going to regret in an hour. Fueled by spirits, you might want to get back out on the dance floor but your moves are now less “sex panther” and more “jumping into tables.”

Phase 6: Ill-Advised Karaoke–“Believe” by Cher (1998)

Who thought it would be idea to sing karaoke? It doesn’t matter who suggested it because you jumped on that bandwagon and are belting out Cher like your life depends on it. During the musical interlude of your performance, start thinking about your ex.

Phase 7: Horny Nostalgia–“Sex and Candy” by Marcy Playground (1997)

It’s getting late and you’re feeling a little nostalgic for your ex, especially after your powerful karaoke performance. Decide it would be a good idea to sneak away from your friends and make a late night sexy call to your ex. When your ex doesn’t answer, leave them a drunk message asking for a booty call and declaring your undying love. This would also be an ideal time to make out with a stranger.

Phase 8: Last Call–“Closing Time” by Semisonic (1998)

The lights come on in the bar because they’re closing and the entire bar staff wants nothing more than for you and your drunk friends to GTFO. As you blink and let your eyes adjust to bright lights, take a moment to thank God you’re drunk because literally no one looks good at this point in the night.

Phase 9: Sad and Alone–“From the Bottom of My Broken Heart” by Britney Spears (1999)

You regret calling your ex and are currently crying and attempting to cuddle your cat, who is attempting to claw your face. Resist the urge to tearfully sing a song (like this one) since your roommates already hate you for throwing up next to the toilet instead of in it.

Phase 10: Unconcious–“I Don’t Want to Wait” by Paula Cole (1996)

You passed out while binge watching “Dawson’s Creek” and wishing you had a Pacey for your very own.

 

Happy St. Patrick’s Day! If you go out, tip your bartender. They put up with a lot of your shit just so they can pay rent.

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Emily Regan is the author of several books, including "What's an Adult?: No One Knows Anything and We're All Going to Die." She is an avid fan of reality TV, an unironic Hanson fan, and currently resides in Arizona with her family.

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