Throwback Thursday: F is for “The Faculty”

Remember this 1998 gem of a film?

Sorry, guys.
For some, there is no forgetting.

This movie is not all that notable for its plot (aliens take over school, heroes have to kill alien queen to save humanity, yadda yadda yadda) but it features a pretty impressive cast, which kind of compensates for shitty storytelling. But only kind of.

The movie opens with the high school principal, Bebe Neuwirth (also known as Lilith, Frasier Crane‘s very pale ex-wife), returning to her office long after school is closed because she forgot her keys. The football coach, T-1000, bars her from leaving her office and begins to behave more and more erratically because he hasn’t yet downloaded the most recent update from Skynet.

This couldn't have helped either.
This couldn’t have helped either.

Lilith stabs the T-1000 in the hand with a pencil and manages to escape to the parking lot where she is emotionlessly murdered with a pair of scissors by Catherine Martell from Twin Peaks.

"Bitch had it coming."
“Bitch had it coming.”

We’re introduced to the motley crew of heroes including nerdy photographer Frodo, Mia Toretto from The Fast and the Furious, Mia’s misunderstood jock boyfriend Shawn Hatosy (that dude from Southland and Fear the Walking Dead), teen drug dealer Josh Hartnett, bland white girl and transfer student Marybeth, and Clea DuVall, whom you might recognize as that one girl from that one thing.

Yeah, her
Yeah, her

Frodo finds a weird, parasite-looking thing and takes it to Jon Stewart, his science teacher. Stewart believes he (and by he, I mean, Frodo) has discovered a new species and is super stoked that maybe he can get the fuck out of teaching high school and move on to bigger and better things. Frodo leaves and tells Mia Toretto, his editor at the school newspaper, about the new species he discovered and she drags him to the teachers’ lounge to hide in a closet and scoop the story because that’s not at all weird. While they hide in a closet and Frodo attempts to hide his Hobbit boner, they witness the T-1000 and Catherine Martell shove one of the parasites into the nurse’s ear. Did I mention that the nurse is Salma Hayek? Because the nurse is Salma Hayek.

"Uh . . . I have a cough." *cough cough*
“Uh . . . I have a cough.”
*cough cough*

Oh, and Frodo and Mia also find a dead body. While they’re busy calling the cops to report a corpse, the body is mysteriously moved and the seemingly undead Principal Lilith tells Frodo to stop being such a little attention whore.

"Next thing you know, you'll want an entire fellowship to follow you around like you're something special."
“Next thing you know, you’ll want an entire fellowship to follow you around like you’re something special.”

The next day, Frodo tells Mia, the dude from Southland, and that one girl from that one thing that he believes that the school faculty are being controlled by aliens because that’s a natural leap in logic. Josh Hartnett and the nondescript transfer student wander into the room and hear this and have a normal person reaction and tell Frodo he’s stupid. Jon Stewart arrives and confronts the teen space fighters about their theory. The situation escalates very quickly and suddenly they’re cutting off Jon Stewart’s fingers and injecting Josh Hartnett’s drugs into his eye.

Seriously, this happens.

They grab the parasite and run back to Josh Hartnett’s house where they learn that the ecstasy/meth he creates and sells apparently kills the alien, as evidenced by the whole stabbing-Jon-Stewart-in-the-eye thing. To prove none of them are infected, Josh Hartnett insists everyone take the drug which really sort of sounds like he’s just trying to expand his customer base but whatever, let’s just go with it. As it turns out, Mia is infected by the alien tapeworm or whatever the fuck it is and she trashes Josh Hartnett’s home drug lab as well as most (but not all) of the drug before escaping.

"Please don't tell Dom."
“Please don’t tell Dom.”

That one girl from that one thing has the idea of killing the alien queen to save the planet so they return to the school where the football team is currently playing and infecting the opposing players. That maybe seems like kind of an extreme effort to win a game but maybe that’s just me. But just in case, don’t mention the whole ear parasite thing to the New England Patriots–they might actually try it.

I'm looking at you, Tom Brady.
I’m looking at you, Tom Brady.

The space fighters believe Principal Lilith to be the alien queen so they corner her in the gym and shoot her in the face because why not?

They guessed incorrectly
They guessed incorrectly

The guy from Southland goes to check on the football team to see if killing Lilith worked and ends up getting infected because he’s essentially useless in this movie. Frodo and Josh Hartnett make a run for Josh Hartnett’s car to retrieve more drugs but their alien classmates find them. Frodo runs like he’s trying to escape the orcs to help create a diversion for Josh Hartnett who is then forced to kill his hot teacher, Jean Grey.

The part where Wolverine then revenge kills Josh Hartnett was left out of the movie.
The part where Wolverine then revenge kills Josh Hartnett was left out of the movie.

Left alone with the nondescript transfer student, that one girl from that one thing has an “appearances can be deceiving” conversation with Transfers McGee who then reveals that she is *gasp* THE ALIEN QUEEN!!!

The plot twist that literally anyone with a pulse saw coming!
The plot twist that literally anyone with a pulse saw coming!

Frodo and Josh Hartnett return and there’s a big battle with the alien queen, both in a distractingly naked human form and true alien form because boobs. Frodo ends up stabbing the queen in the eye with the drugs because everyone in this movie is really into eye stabbing for some fucked up reason. The queen dies, all the parasites die, and everything returns to normal except for our alien fighting heroes. Frodo and Mia start dating, the guy from Southland and that one girl from that one thing start dating, and Josh Hartnett stops selling drugs and instead plays football while Jean Gray looks on proudly from the sidelines.

The moral of the story: stab everyone in the eye and destroy an alien race to make all your dreams come true.

Happy Throwback Thursday!

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