Posted in Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday: Life Lessons from “Clueless”

clueless_movie_poster_0_1432204994

Following last week’s teen rom-com trend, I re-watched Clueless because Netflix suggested it after I watched She’s All That and I’m certainly not one to argue with the almighty Netflix.

I humbly submit an offering of cheesy poofs and soda at your altar. And yes, I'm always still watching.
I humbly submit an offering of cheesy poofs and soda at your altar.
And yes, I’m always still watching.

This 90s film adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma has everything that is perfect and ridiculous about the 90s. It’s also full of practical advice that’s still relevant today that I have painstakingly collected to enhance your life.

You’re welcome.

 

General Life Advice

 

Fashion

This might sound a little shallow but it’s important–dressing appropriately is paramount. I mean, look at Cher–she didn’t have her collarless shirt from Fred Segal to complete her most responsible-looking outfit and she ended up failing her driver’s test. Never mind that she can’t park, can’t switch lanes, can’t make righthand turns, she damaged private property, and she almost killed someone.

In her defense, that biker came out of nowhere.

Also, choosing the right accessories is always important.

 

Negotiations

I am still in awe over the fact that Cher negotiates her grades to a higher GPA.

Has this ever worked in real life for anyone?

Although, two of her arguments revolved around cheap tactics like an evil male broke her heart (raising her P.E. grade went from a C to a B) and she got a tardy excused because she was “surfing the crimson wave”, a reasoning that immediately made her male teacher uncomfortable because girls and their menstrual cycles are rife with cooties.

"Maybe you should just stay home for 5-7 days per month."
“Maybe you should just stay home for 5-7 days per month.”

 

Driving

Pausing = Stopping

Close enough.
Close enough.

Stop signs are basically suggestions anyway. At least that’s what I told the university cop who pulled me over when I was 20. Amazingly, I got off with a warning.

Proper Footwear is Key

The struggle in the 90s was real.

Parking is Basically Irrelevant

She has a point.
She has a point.

Politics

Immigration Policy Reform

In debate class (was this class a thing in other schools? Because it wasn’t in mine), Cher draws a parallel between Haitians seeking refuge in the U.S. to her father’s 50th birthday party. She postulates that if the U.S. government can just find some extra chairs and rearrange some things in the metaphorical kitchen we can “totally party with the Haitians.”

Before anyone gets all uptight about politics and starts calling me “stoooopid” in the comments, let me remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty.

Cher Horowitz 2016
Cher Horowitz 2016

 

Romance

Body Language

Amateur meddler matchmaker Cher sets up two of her teachers in an attempt to make them less grumpy and therefore more lenient in their grading. After bribing them with coffee, she sees them sitting on a bench together and informs Dionne (and us) the secrets behind body language as indicators of inner desires.

She’s like a college freshman who has just taken her first Psychology 101 class.

How to Seduce a Gay Paramour

In order to catch newcomer Christian’s attention, Cher outlines a plan of attack that, for some reason, has nothing to do with talking to the object of her affection and finding out of they have anything in common.

1. Send yourself flowers. This makes you look popular and admired.
2. Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
3. Sometimes you have to show a little skin. That reminds guys of being naked and then they think of sex.

gloria-steinem
Somewhere, Gloria Steinem is dry heaving into a trashcan.

When a boy comes over:

1. Lighting concepts are crucial to set the mood.

cher
Bad lighting can ruin an evening almost as much as having a date who isn’t attracted to women.

2. Always have something baking.

Am I the only one who thinks a cookie log sounds like a genius idea?

Most importantly:
Sometimes you’re totally buggin’ and the dude just isn’t into you because he likes other dudes.

Set and Maintain High Standards

Don’t settle for whatever dude is available. If you’re not into the prospects you know, wait until you find someone you do actually like.

Speaking of waiting for the right one . . .

 

Paul Rudd is Perfect.

 

I can (and will) watch this gif all day.

Sure, Josh has his flaws. His clothes are about two sizes too big for him but it was the 90s–we all made choices we regret.

I was really into butterfly clips.
I was really into butterfly clips.

Josh adores Cher for who she is and he never tries to change her. He has more fun picking up take-out food with Cher for her father and the other lawyers than he does hanging out with his moody, angsty girlfriend who confuses Hamlet and Polonius quotes.

Suck it, Miss Know-It-All.
So suck it, Miss Know-It-All.

But despite Josh never trying to change her, Cher still wants to be a better person because of him which leads her to volunteer to be the captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief drive at her school.

"These people lost everything! Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?"
“These people lost everything! Don’t you think that includes athletic equipment?”

If you weren’t in love with 90s Paul Rudd after seeing this movie, we have nothing further to discuss and our friendship is over.

True love lasts forever.
True love lasts forever.
Posted in Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday: The 5 Weirdest Moments of “She’s All That”

The contrasting colors represent how different these characters are!
The contrasting colors represent how different these characters are!

For those of you who don’t spend their time re-watching ridiculous movies on Netflix, I’ll refresh your memory: “She’s All That” is about a Zach (Freddie Prinze Jr.), a popular high school guy who is dumped by his equally popular girlfriend, Taylor (Jodi Lynn O’Keefe) when she meets Brock the Man Child/MTV reality star (Matthew Lillard) during Spring Break in Florida.

This might be a screencap from a different movie.
This might be a screencap from a different movie.

Zach then boasts to his best friend, the villainous Dean (Paul Walker–R.I.P.), that he could turn any girl into prom queen. Dean decides to take him up on that bet and picks weirdo art girl, Laney (Rachel Leigh Cook), as the challenge.

Gross!
Gross!

This movie is based on “Pygmalion” and “My Fair Lady” with a dash of “Pretty in Pink” and “every other movie ever” thrown in for good measure. In addition to creating the oft-copied makeover reveal on the staircase, it follows a lot of romantic comedy tropes like the clumsy hot girl, the token black friend, and the “ugly” girl who takes her glasses off and suddenly becomes hot.

What is with the trope of only unattractive girls wear glasses? You see it over and over again in movies and, as evidenced by this picture, Laney was obviously hot to begin with. I hate movie.
What is with the trope of only unattractive girls wear glasses? You see it over and over again in movies and, as evidenced by this picture, Laney was obviously hot to begin with. And why are we assuming glasses automatically equal unattractive? I hate movies.

While watching this, I realized there are a few ridiculous things that I really didn’t pay enough attention to the first time I saw it:

1. Goth chicks tell Laney to kill herself.

In the beginning of the movie, Laney does an art piece about a riot she read about in Mogadishu, also known as the capital of Somalia. If you don’t know where Somalia is–“I am the captain now.”

An entire country reduced to one line. This is literally the only thing most people know about Somalia.
An entire country reduced to one line.
This is literally the only thing most people know about Somalia.

But I digress. Laney does her art piece on the riot and two goth chicks approach Laney and tell her that they were discussing artists whose work wasn’t appreciated until they died and Laney’s name came up. So, they helpfully suggest Laney kill herself.

"I'm helping you! You're welcome."
“Just looking out for you. You’re welcome.”

2. The anal sex joke.

At a house party, Zach is talking to his ex-girlfriend Taylor and making fun of her boyfriend, a former “star” of MTV’s “The Real World” who ate his toenails for $10. Taylor’s response?

Taylor: Jump up my ass, Zach.
Zach: Been there. Done that.

"Whatever. Shaggy's Mystery Machine is way better than yours, Fred."
“Whatever. Shaggy’s Mystery Machine is way better than yours, Fred.”

3. The beatbox.

After Laney’s makeover (i.e. haircut and switch from glasses to contacts), she’s nominated for prom queen and quickly becomes the main competition for Taylor’s quest for the crown.

Gabrielle Union clearly disagrees.

A couple guys hanging out between classes decide to do an impromptu beatbox laying out the prom queen competition:

Was this common at other high schools? I went to an all-girls Catholic school and this didn’t happen, at least not that I’m aware of. My only frame of reference is “Teen Witch” which leads me to believe that this happened at every other school (if I’m wrong, please don’t correct me).

If that’s wrong, I don’t want to be right.

4. Synchronized dancing.

At the prom, the whole student body starts a synchronized dance that they’ve clearly been rehearsing for weeks despite trying to make it seem impromptu like something out of “High School Musical.”

Seriously, what were other schools like?! Is this normal?! Or is it only because Usher was the student DJ?

Pre-Justin Bieber. I miss those days.
Pre-Justin Bieber.
I miss those days.

5. The terms of the bet.

At the end of the movie, Zach reveals to Laney the terms of the bet, which turn out to be that he has to go to graduation naked, except for a soccer ball which he tosses to Laney while he’s on stage receiving his diploma (if you’re complaining about spoilers, the movie is 16 year old–shut up).

Maybe he's a grower, not a shower?
This seems inappropriate.

How did the entire administration let a student show up for graduation completely nude? Graduation ceremonies take forever–he’s obviously been sitting like that for a while with no robe in sight, meaning he didn’t even bother to wear it when they students filed in to take their seats. I’m pretty sure the faculty wouldn’t have just said, “Oh, he’s such a scamp!” and let it go. For God’s sake, a lot of people’s grandmothers attend graduation–have some decency to not flash senior citizens, Zach!

See what you've done?
See what you’ve done?

 

It was confirmed in April of this year that a remake of this movie is underway so we all have something to look forward to.

Posted in Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday: Smells Like the 90s

Scent is often the sense that is tied the strongest to memory and there is one smell that, whenever I encounter it, immediately makes me feel like I’m back in the 90s: cucumber melon

Not that, Kurt Cobain.
Sorry, Kurt Cobain.

This is a signature scent of Bath & Body Works and was absurdly popular in the 90s. If you are unfamiliar with Bath & Body Works, it’s that store in the mall that you can smell from four stores down, often results in a headache, and is almost always inexplicably located right next to the food court.

Nothing like the smell of Sweet Pea and microwaved pizza to make you want to throw up in that tiny backpack you bought from Claire's Accessories.
Nothing like the smell of Sweet Pea and microwaved pizza to make you want to throw up in that tiny backpack you bought from Claire’s Accessories.

Why was cucumber melon so popular in the 90s? Who the hell knows? What I do know is that it was like crack for females who, for some reason, all wanted to smell like a summer salad.

Ladies, I know you can smell this just by looking at it.
Ladies, I know you can smell this just by looking at it.

It was available as a lotion, hand soap, shower gel, body spray, and perfume (because obviously a body spray and perfume are not the same freaking thing) and if you had one version, you probably had them all. Not that it smelled bad by any means–we just didn’t understand moderation.

Yup.
Yup.

If you want to check this out for yourself, Bath & Body Works still sells this as one of their signature scents. But if you don’t want to assault your nose by going to the store in person, you can just order it online here.

Posted in Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday (Friday Special Edition): “Bill Nye the Science Guy”

Let’s be real–the best days in school were the ones when your teacher would wheel in the giant TV on a cart and press play on these videos:

Every 90s kid reading this just sang, “Bill Nye, the Science Guy–BILL! BILL! BILL!”

This TV show ran from 1993-1998 and is, without a doubt, one of the most awesome TV shows ever created for kids.

The quote may or may not be paraphrased.
The quote may or may not be paraphrased.

Bill Nye made science fun and accessible and each episode featured a different topic complete with science parody songs like “Smells Like Air Pressure” (“Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana), “Let’s Talk About Stress” (“Let’s Talk About Sex” by Salt-n-Pepa), and “AC/DC Charge” (“Achy Breaky Heart” by Billy Ray Cyrus).

Remember when Billy Ray Cyrus was famous for ridiculous music and not his ridiculous daughter?
Remember when Billy Ray Cyrus was famous for ridiculous music instead of his ridiculous daughter?

Past the show, Bill Nye has continued his efforts to educate people about science, including engaging in a debate with creationist Ken Hamm at the Creation Museum in February of 2014.

The "debate" went as expected.
The “debate” went as expected.

“Wow!” you say. “This show sounds amazing! I want to watch it but I don’t have a VHS player!”

But if I did, the time would still say 12:00.
But if I did, the time would still say 12:00.

Don’t you worry! Just this week, Netflix started streaming “Bill Nye the Science Guy” so you can relive everything that’s awesome about learning.

Wait, what about Santa?
Wait, what about Santa?
Posted in Throwback Thursday

Throwback Thursday: MASH

For those of you who clicked on this thinking it’d be about the TV show . . . sorry. It’s not.

These are not the droids you are looking for.
These are not the droids you are looking for.

The MASH I’m referring to is the game we played as kids to try and get a glimpse of our future.

Legit.
These were binding.

MASH stands for Mansion, Apartment, Shack, House and to play the game, you’d pick a bunch of different categories like spouse, career, car, city, and number of kids. The person learning their future would pick the first three options for each category and, if I remember correctly, Lance Bass was usually featured in my three spouse options.

We didn't work out.
We didn’t work out.

The fourth slot was filled out by whoever was administering the game and your friends were pretty much always assholes. They’d put in options so you could potentially end up marrying that weird kid in your class who ate his hair while working as a garbage collector, driving a wheelbarrow, and have 1,000 kids (which isn’t even physically possible).

I think.
I think.

Once all the spots were filled, it was time to learn your fate. There were various methods to this next part but the most common was to draw a spiral, as in the picture above, and count the spaces to get a number–we’ll use 6 as an example. Then the MASH administrator would go through the test and cross out every sixth item until you were left with only one option in each category, including the title which would determine what type of dwelling you would live in.

While I’m thinking about it, it occurs to me that we were really obsessed with learning our futures between MASH, cootie catcher/fortune tellers, and Magic 8 Balls. It probably has something to do with us being impatient little weirdos but I like to think it’s because we thought we’d be bomb ass adults wearing jellies in our mansions full of inflatable furniture we bought with the money we got from selling Beanie Babies and married to ‘N Sync.

Someone's MASH results were very different from mine.
Someone’s MASH results were very different from mine.