Throwback Thursday: Life Lessons from “Clueless”

clueless_movie_poster_0_1432204994

Following last week’s teen rom-com trend, I re-watched Clueless because Netflix suggested it after I watched She’s All That and I’m certainly not one to argue with the almighty Netflix.

I humbly submit an offering of cheesy poofs and soda at your altar. And yes, I'm always still watching.
I humbly submit an offering of cheesy poofs and soda at your altar.
And yes, I’m always still watching.

This 90s film adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma has everything that is perfect and ridiculous about the 90s. It’s also full of practical advice that’s still relevant today that I have painstakingly collected to enhance your life.

You’re welcome.

 

General Life Advice

 

Fashion

This might sound a little shallow but it’s important–dressing appropriately is paramount. I mean, look at Cher–she didn’t have her collarless shirt from Fred Segal to complete her most responsible-looking outfit and she ended up failing her driver’s test. Never mind that she can’t park, can’t switch lanes, can’t make righthand turns, she damaged private property, and she almost killed someone.

In her defense, that biker came out of nowhere.

Also, choosing the right accessories is always important.

 

Negotiations

I am still in awe over the fact that Cher negotiates her grades to a higher GPA.

Has this ever worked in real life for anyone?

Although, two of her arguments revolved around cheap tactics like an evil male broke her heart (raising her P.E. grade went from a C to a B) and she got a tardy excused because she was “surfing the crimson wave”, a reasoning that immediately made her male teacher uncomfortable because girls and their menstrual cycles are rife with cooties.

"Maybe you should just stay home for 5-7 days per month."
“Maybe you should just stay home for 5-7 days per month.”

 

Driving

Pausing = Stopping

Close enough.
Close enough.

Stop signs are basically suggestions anyway. At least that’s what I told the university cop who pulled me over when I was 20. Amazingly, I got off with a warning.

Proper Footwear is Key

The struggle in the 90s was real.

Parking is Basically Irrelevant

She has a point.
She has a point.

Politics

Immigration Policy Reform

In debate class (was this class a thing in other schools? Because it wasn’t in mine), Cher draws a parallel between Haitians seeking refuge in the U.S. to her father’s 50th birthday party. She postulates that if the U.S. government can just find some extra chairs and rearrange some things in the metaphorical kitchen we can “totally party with the Haitians.”

Before anyone gets all uptight about politics and starts calling me “stoooopid” in the comments, let me remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty.

Cher Horowitz 2016
Cher Horowitz 2016

 

Romance

Body Language

Amateur meddler matchmaker Cher sets up two of her teachers in an attempt to make them less grumpy and therefore more lenient in their grading. After bribing them with coffee, she sees them sitting on a bench together and informs Dionne (and us) the secrets behind body language as indicators of inner desires.

She’s like a college freshman who has just taken her first Psychology 101 class.

How to Seduce a Gay Paramour

In order to catch newcomer Christian’s attention, Cher outlines a plan of attack that, for some reason, has nothing to do with talking to the object of her affection and finding out of they have anything in common.

1. Send yourself flowers. This makes you look popular and admired.
2. Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
3. Sometimes you have to show a little skin. That reminds guys of being naked and then they think of sex.

gloria-steinem
Somewhere, Gloria Steinem is dry heaving into a trashcan.

When a boy comes over:

1. Lighting concepts are crucial to set the mood.

cher
Bad lighting can ruin an evening almost as much as having a date who isn’t attracted to women.

2. Always have something baking.

Am I the only one who thinks a cookie log sounds like a genius idea?

Most importantly:
Sometimes you’re totally buggin’ and the dude just isn’t into you because he likes other dudes.

Set and Maintain High Standards

Don’t settle for whatever dude is available. If you’re not into the prospects you know, wait until you find someone you do actually like.

Speaking of waiting for the right one . . .

 

Paul Rudd is Perfect.

 

I can (and will) watch this gif all day.

Sure, Josh has his flaws. His clothes are about two sizes too big for him but it was the 90s–we all made choices we regret.

I was really into butterfly clips.
I was really into butterfly clips.

Josh adores Cher for who she is and he never tries to change her. He has more fun picking up take-out food with Cher for her father and the other lawyers than he does hanging out with his moody, angsty girlfriend who confuses Hamlet and Polonius quotes.

Suck it, Miss Know-It-All.
So suck it, Miss Know-It-All.

But despite Josh never trying to change her, Cher still wants to be a better person because of him which leads her to volunteer to be the captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief drive at her school.

"These people lost everything! Don't you think that includes athletic equipment?"
“These people lost everything! Don’t you think that includes athletic equipment?”

If you weren’t in love with 90s Paul Rudd after seeing this movie, we have nothing further to discuss and our friendship is over.

True love lasts forever.
True love lasts forever.

3 Comments on “Throwback Thursday: Life Lessons from “Clueless”

  1. Pingback: Throwback Thursday: "The Addams Family" - Maglomaniac

  2. Pingback: Throwback Thursday: Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch - Maglomaniac

  3. Pingback: Throwback Thursday: Body Glitter - Maglomaniac

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