Following last week’s teen rom-com trend, I re-watched Clueless because Netflix suggested it after I watched She’s All That and I’m certainly not one to argue with the almighty Netflix.
This 90s film adaptation of Jane Austen’s Emma has everything that is perfect and ridiculous about the 90s. It’s also full of practical advice that’s still relevant today that I have painstakingly collected to enhance your life.
General Life Advice
This might sound a little shallow but it’s important–dressing appropriately is paramount. I mean, look at Cher–she didn’t have her collarless shirt from Fred Segal to complete her most responsible-looking outfit and she ended up failing her driver’s test. Never mind that she can’t park, can’t switch lanes, can’t make righthand turns, she damaged private property, and she almost killed someone.
Also, choosing the right accessories is always important.
I am still in awe over the fact that Cher negotiates her grades to a higher GPA.
Although, two of her arguments revolved around cheap tactics like an evil male broke her heart (raising her P.E. grade went from a C to a B) and she got a tardy excused because she was “surfing the crimson wave”, a reasoning that immediately made her male teacher uncomfortable because girls and their menstrual cycles are rife with cooties.
Pausing = Stopping
Stop signs are basically suggestions anyway. At least that’s what I told the university cop who pulled me over when I was 20. Amazingly, I got off with a warning.
Proper Footwear is Key
Parking is Basically Irrelevant
Immigration Policy Reform
In debate class (was this class a thing in other schools? Because it wasn’t in mine), Cher draws a parallel between Haitians seeking refuge in the U.S. to her father’s 50th birthday party. She postulates that if the U.S. government can just find some extra chairs and rearrange some things in the metaphorical kitchen we can “totally party with the Haitians.”
Before anyone gets all uptight about politics and starts calling me “stoooopid” in the comments, let me remind you that it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty.
meddler matchmaker Cher sets up two of her teachers in an attempt to make them less grumpy and therefore more lenient in their grading. After bribing them with coffee, she sees them sitting on a bench together and informs Dionne (and us) the secrets behind body language as indicators of inner desires.
How to Seduce a
In order to catch newcomer Christian’s attention, Cher outlines a plan of attack that, for some reason, has nothing to do with talking to the object of her affection and finding out of they have anything in common.
1. Send yourself flowers. This makes you look popular and admired.
2. Anything you can do to draw attention to your mouth is good.
3. Sometimes you have to show a little skin. That reminds guys of being naked and then they think of sex.
When a boy comes over:
1. Lighting concepts are crucial to set the mood.
2. Always have something baking.
Sometimes you’re totally buggin’ and the dude just isn’t into you because he likes other dudes.
Set and Maintain High Standards
Don’t settle for whatever dude is available. If you’re not into the prospects you know, wait until you find someone you do actually like.
Speaking of waiting for the right one . . .
Paul Rudd is Perfect.
Sure, Josh has his flaws. His clothes are about two sizes too big for him but it was the 90s–we all made choices we regret.
Josh adores Cher for who she is and he never tries to change her. He has more fun picking up take-out food with Cher for her father and the other lawyers than he does hanging out with his moody, angsty girlfriend who confuses Hamlet and Polonius quotes.
But despite Josh never trying to change her, Cher still wants to be a better person because of him which leads her to volunteer to be the captain of the Pismo Beach disaster relief drive at her school.
If you weren’t in love with 90s Paul Rudd after seeing this movie, we have nothing further to discuss and our friendship is over.
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