Throwback Thursday: “Jingle All the Way”

With Black Friday behind us and the pressure to award our loved ones with the perfect material goods for the holiday to adequately express our love still hanging over our heads, this classic Arnold Schwarzenegger feels most appropriate for the dawning of this holiday season.

Apparently there's a sequel that I haven't seen for obvious reasons.
Apparently there’s a sequel that I haven’t seen for obvious reasons.

For being a cheesy 1996 movie, it actually has a pretty notable cast, including:

The Terminator:

“AND GET TO THE CHOPPAH!”

Sinbad:

This is actually a step up from "Shazam."
This is actually a step up from
“Homeward Bound II: Lost in San Francisco.”

Rita Wilson:

Fun fact, Rita Wilson was a backup dancer in "Teen Witch."
Fun fact, Rita Wilson was a
backup dancer in “Teen Witch.”

Phil Hartman:

RIP. It's still too soon.
R.I.P.
It’s still too soon.

and baby Anakin Skywalker:

They're so adorable before they turn into an intergalactic force of evil.
They’re so adorable before they turn into
an intergalactic force of evil.

The basic premise of the movie is that the Terminator is kind of shitty dad and his one hope of redemption is to get his obnoxious kid the most popular toy of the season, a Turbo Man doll, so that Baby Anakin will love him again and Rita Wilson won’t leave him for Phil Hartman.

I mean, Phil Hartman got a reindeer for all the neighborhood kids for his Christmas display. He's like the 1996 male equivalent of a Pinterest mom.
I mean, Phil Hartman got a reindeer for all the neighborhood kids for his Christmas display.
He’s like the 1996 male equivalent of a Pinterest mom.

As it turns out, the Terminator has to do battle with Sinbad, the other “terrible dad” who wants the city’s last Turbo Man doll for his own kid.

The loser ends up in a sad, divorced guy apartment.
The loser ends up in a sad, divorced guy apartment.

Hijinks ensue and the Terminator convinces his kid to love him again by hijacking the Turbo Man float in the town’s parade and dressing in costume as Turbo Man. This proved to be influential as baby Anakin remembered this tactic to try and convince his own son to see things his way later in life.

I may or may not be mixing movies.
I may or may not be mixing movies.

Now that his family loves him again, Rita Wilson and Baby Anakin accept the Terminator back into their lives until he inevitably fucks up again before New Year’s Eve.

Happy Holidays!

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Emily Regan is the author of several books, including "What's an Adult?: No One Knows Anything and We're All Going to Die." She is an avid fan of reality TV, an unironic Hanson fan, and currently resides in Arizona with her family.

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