Smile

Ladies, that random man was right. You know the one; you might’ve stood next to him in line at the bank, you might have passed by him in the grocery store, you may work together, or he might just be some guy on the street. But you know the one. He’s the one that told you to smile. And ladies, I am here to tell you that he’s right. You should smile. Women are the fairer sex, therefore it is your job to be beautiful and aesthetically pleasing for men to view.

What’s that? You’d rather be viewed as smart or strong instead of fair? Sorry, those adjectives are already taken, so smile, baby. It’s what you’re here for.

Would it kill you to smile? I mean, take a little pride in yourself for God’s sake. While we’re at it, maybe you should lose a little weight or try to wear a little more makeup. Maybe you could buy some better clothes, too. I’m not sure I really like your haircut either, so let’s just fix that while we’re at it.

But all the while, don’t forget to smile.

I guess that presentation at work was pretty good, but you didn’t smile once. I mean, you’re lucky to even have a job, let alone one in a supportive environment that will remind you that, despite your male co-workers never cracking a smile, you should still look happy to be there. It is a privilege to be surrounded by so many men, and you should look damn grateful for the opportunity.

Oh, you’re having a hard time? Maybe a family member is sick or your dog died or you’re just having a rough day and, unbeknownst to you, you’re going to cap it off with a parking ticket on your windshield when you return to your car. I’ll let you in on a secret: no one cares.

Oh God, you’re not going to start crying on you? Oh for Christ’s sake. See, this is why we don’t let you be in charge of your own emotions and facial expressions. Now you’re crying and you clearly can’t handle stress the way a man can. Next thing you know, you’re going to start menstruating everywhere. This is why you make less money than men. You clearly can’t handle your shit. Now stop it. Stop it right now. Your tears are making everyone massively uncomfortable and that’s super rude of you. How dare you do that to other people? Now smile.

That’s better. I’m glad to see you’ve come to your senses.

Women are the fairer sex and they are also the weaker sex. I mean, men are doing all the hard work around here–the absolute least you could do is improve the scenery by smiling. Is that so hard? It takes 48 muscles to frown but only 16 to smile. I know that’s probably a lot of math for you. To put it simply, in terms you can understand, it’s much easier to smile. Like 32 muscles easier. Look, if you don’t smile, everyone might think you’re bitchy. And I know you don’t want that. I mean, you’re already emotional and irrational, as demonstrated by your embarrassing crying display earlier. It would be just like you to turn into a bitch right now, so prove me wrong by giving us a smile. You look so pretty when you smile.

Men are just trying to help you out. You should be flattered that they’ve taken such an interest in your appearance. Without them, you might never know how unpleasant you look when you don’t smile. You owe it to them. So put on a happy face, honey. We want to see you smile.

If you insist on fighting this, that’s your own problem. We just want you to smile, is that really so hard? This is why people don’t take women seriously, they can’t follow simple instructions. You need to get it through your pretty little head that you owe this to everyone, so suck it the fuck up and start smiling. We’re not going to tell you again. If you don’t do your part, no one else can be held accountable for what happens to you. You know who doesn’t smile? Stuck up bitches who think they’re better than everyone else and don’t know their place. And if you don’t know your place, someone might have to remind you. You might not like how that happens, but hey, you were told to smile. And if someone decides to put you in your place, violates you in a way from which you might never recover, just remember–you were probably asking for it.

After all, you probably encouraged it by smiling at them.

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