Country Heat: Week 1

In an effort to get in better shape, I’ve decided to follow a workout program. I wouldn’t say I’m fat by any means, but I do get a little winded when I put on tight jeans so I figured it was time for a change. Plus, I want to set a good example for my kid in terms of exercise. You know, role model and whatnot. Anyway, when looking for an exercise program to do, I knew I needed to follow an actual program. If I’m left to my own devices where I just say, “Oh, I’ll do 100 push ups a day!”, I’ll do maybe one day and then get distracted by watching reruns of America’s Next Top Model.

To avoid being lazy, I decided to follow a program and I wanted to do something fun like dancing. I’m not very coordinated, but I like to dance. However, the website I’m using only has one dance program at the moment called “Country Heat.” I would’ve preferred to do something cooler like hip hop, but clearly this is a sign for me to stay in my white girl lane so I decided to embrace the country music.

Sigh.

I’m not usually a fan of country music. I don’t mean any offense to anyone who does enjoy it, I just can’t get into it. All of the songs seem to be about the same thing and, really, I’m not convinced that there’s actually more than one country song in existence.

If you like country music, you should probably stop reading now.

The Music

I was promised great tunes that everybody loves. This seems like a bit of an overstatement. Although I spent most of the workouts blinking the sweat out of my eyes and gasping for air, I did manage to catch a few choice phrases from the lyrics:

• “backseat breeders”
• “catfish dinner” (This is part of the chorus so it’s repeated dozens of times over the course of three minutes.)
• “let’s turn this cornfield into a purrrrduuuuuuuh” (I think the last word is supposed to be “party” but enunciation doesn’t seem to be a priority in country music).
• “got that ketchup in my pocket” (Upon further listening, I think the line might be “got that cash up in my pocket” but I prefer my version).

The Workouts

The videos are led by a very beautiful woman named after a season and I think the only reason I don’t hate her yet is because she’s so pretty and I’m slightly in love with her. She’s surrounded by lots of other VERY enthusiastic participants who do things like hold an imaginary belt buckle, tip their imaginary cowboy hats, and play air guitar.

“But, Emily, they’re just having fun!”

Shut up, no they’re not. They’re clearly mocking me as I lie on the floor and wait for death.

On the first day, I was barely able to make it through the workout without pausing every two minutes because, as I said, I’m in terrible shape. Plus, I felt like I was being crushed under the weight of how white the dance moves were. The dance moves are called things like “2 Step Honky Tonk” and “Spur Shuffle” which just make me want to punch myself in the face.

After doing the videos for a week so far, I definitely still feel like a tool every time I wave an imaginary lasso over my head, but I can tell my overall cardio endurance is improving. Or, at least, I’m taking fewer breaks to lie on the floor and weakly sing, “Hello, darkness, my old friend . . .”

I’ve already made it through one week, so I’m going to stick with it for the full 30 days. Assuming, that is, that it’s not actually possible to die from being too white.