Way Behind, Have 3 TBTs!

I suck at updates but that means you get three Throwback Thursdays for the price of one!

Yaaaaaaaay! Click on the photos for 90s nostalgic fun.

MPW-52893
B is for Beethoven
Cake_Fashion_Nugget
C is for Cake
delias_com-500x500
D is for dELiA*s

Throwback Thursday: D is for dELiA*s

Gentlemen, if you have no idea what I’m talking about, feel free to skip this one.

Unless you're into body glitter and two-toned lipstick, in which case you should read on!
Unless you’re into body glitter and two-toned lipstick,
in which case you should read on!

LADIES. This was the catalog to end all catalogs. I know I can’t be the only one who wanted way too much stuff from dELiA*s for Christmas. I would spend entirely too much time poring over the pages and circling all the items I wanted as “suggestions” that I would then leave in a conspicuous place for my mother to find.

Still true.
Buy my latest book!

If you weren’t familiar with the dELiA*s catalog, it was basically the treasure trove for all things fashionable in the 90s. Clothing, accessories, makeup, shoes, inflatable furniture–it was the ultimate shopping guide for girls.

Also known as the ultimate guide for poor choices.
Also known as the ultimate guide for poor choices.

The company was founded in 1993 by two Yale graduates (I don’t know why, but this piece of trivia feels important) and originally functioned primarily through catalogs before expanding to a website and certain outlet stores. For those of you unfamiliar with what a catalog is, it’s kind of like a book that lets you buy stuff or like Amazon with pages.

I didn't say it was good stuff, but you could buy it.
I didn’t say it was good stuff,
but you could buy it.

Keep in mind, this was before online shopping really took off so you had to send away for stuff in the mail using the order form included in the catalog. Sometimes, you had to actually call the company to place your order and talk to a real person.

Bonus points if you called on a clear phone.
Bonus points if you called on a clear phone.

Now, I have Amazon Prime and can order whatever I want with the click of a button and have it at my door within two days, thereby completely avoiding any kind of human interaction because people are gross.

Seriously, stay the fuck away from me.
Seriously, stay the fuck away from me.

The company eventually filed for bankruptcy in 2014 but it reopened the following year as a new website because apparently bankruptcy doesn’t mean what I think it means. AND you get the added bonus that the 90s revival is still alive and well so you can try and duplicate some of your more questionable 90s fashion choices.

Who needs a crushed velvet spaghetti strap top? You do. I might as well. Don't judge me.
Who needs a crushed velvet spaghetti strap top?
You do.
I might as well.
Don’t judge me.

Happy Throwback Thursday!

Throwback Thursday: C is for Cake

My birthday is tomorrow  so I thought I’d celebrate with some Cake!

I don't even care if you laugh. That joke was for me.
I don’t even care if you laugh.
That joke was for me.

However, when I researched the band I realized that the name isn’t a reference to delicious baked goods and instead, the name comes from the kind of gunk that gets caked on your shoes like mud and . . . well, let’s just stick with mud.

I don't want to eat that cake.
I don’t want to eat that cake.

The band was formed in 1991 and independently recorded and sold their first album, Motorcade of Generosity, out of the back of their van in 1994 to pay for touring costs. They started to garner some attention in San Francisco and were signed by Capricorn Records who re-released Motorcade in 1995. Their first big single was “Rock ‘n’ Roll Lifestyle” with a painfully 90s music video you can enjoy here:

In 1996, Cake really started to hit their stride and released their second album, Fashion Nugget, which contains what is often referred to as Cake’s signature song, “The Distance.” You probably recognize it from about half a dozen different commercials or your local gym.

Fashion Nugget also contains the band’s cover of Gloria Gaynor’s “I Will Survive” which she reportedly hates more than any other cover of her song because apparently she’s never been to karaoke and listened to drunk sorority girls butcher it with their friends.

The band’s last album of the 90s, Prolonging the Magic, was released in 1998 and only featured one magical single, “Never There.” I couldn’t find the actual music video for this song because YouTube is full of people who have created their own music videos for this song like anyone gives a shit and labeled all of them “Cake–Never There Official Music Video.”

But since this is a song about a guy trying to reach his girlfriend but she’s never there, it almost seems fitting that I couldn’t find the actual video and it’s “never there.”

I don't even care if you laugh. That joke was for me.
I’ll show myself out.

Cake is still producing music and have released a total of six albums so far, the most recent of which came out in 2011 after they formed their own record label, Upbeat Records, which was apparently created because Cake didn’t want to release a compilation album of their greatest hits.

Because fuck you, that's why.
Because fuck you, that’s why.

I feel like Cake is one of those bands that when I first heard them, I didn’t really get the appeal because the singer is not exactly singing as much as he is melodically talking over most of the music and they were by no means the only rock band to feature a trumpet.

While looking for trumpet pictures, all I really learned is that apparently all band kids hate the trumpet players.
While looking for trumpet pictures,
all I really learned is that apparently all band kids hate the trumpet players.

But no matter how often I claimed ambivalence, I still find myself walking around humming “Short Skirt/Long Jacket” or “The Distance” so congratulations, Cake, you win this round.

I'm also going to ignore that whole shoe gunk thing because ew.
However, I’m going to ignore that whole shoe gunk thing because ew.

Throwback Thursday: B is for “Beethoven”

This is a 1992 family comedy about animal abuse, animal testing, and indirectly puppy mills that spawned seven sequels. You know, good wholesome family fun!

The movie opens with a couple thieves stealing puppies from a pet shops which, as most of us know, are generally supplied by puppy mills. It’s not the puppies’ fault, but you should really adopt a shelter dog instead.

This is my dog. Yes, I am interrupting this article to encourage shelter adoptions. Also to brag about how pretty my dog is.
This is my dog.
Yes, I am interrupting this article to encourage shelter adoptions.
Also to brag about how pretty my dog is.

One of the St. Bernard puppies escapes the thieves and wanders into the Newton family’s home. The father, George, doesn’t want to keep it but his wife and three children convince him. The youngest, a little girl named Emily, plays a portion of Ludwig von Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony on their giant 90s sound system and the dog barks along, thus naming himself and proving that he’s more cultured than most Twitter users.

It wasn't a tough contest.
It wasn’t a tough contest.

George is still uncertain about keeping the dog, especially as he gets bigger and more destructive around the house.

Let's hope that's mud.
Let’s hope that’s mud.

However, he changes his mind when Beethoven saves Emily from drowning after an irresponsible babysitter fails to notice that that she fell in the pool. Not wanting to be outdone by a dog for parent of the year, George relents and finally takes the dog in to see the vet for a checkup. Unbeknownst to George, the vet is actually the villain of the movie (gasp!) and is an awful animal abuser/experimenter who hired the two thieves at the opening of the movie to break into the pet store and steal Beethoven in the first place.

Also, the two thieves are played by Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt.
Also, the two thieves are played by
Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt.

The vet warns George that St. Bernards are very dangerous and prone to violence. George takes Beethoven home, concerned for his family despite Beethoven never having displayed any aggressive behavior up to this point.

"Also, quick reminder, I'm the reason you still have two daughters instead of one. You're welcome."
“Also, quick reminder, I’m the reason
you still have two daughters instead of one.
You’re welcome.”

The vet later stops by the house under the guise of doing a follow up exam on Beethoven. When he thinks no one is watching, he rips his shirt sleeve, pours fake blood on his arm, and hits Beethoven until he attacks him. The family pulls Beethoven off the vet who insists that the dog has to be put down or he’s doing to press charges. Emily says that she saw the vet hit Beethoven but no one listens to her and instead, George takes away the beloved family dog to the vet’s office where the vet is doing his best not to prance around and laugh like a Bond villain.

"MUAHAHAHAHA!"
“MUAHAHAHAHA!”

When George returns home, his family abandons him at the dinner table because they’re all too disgusted to even look at him–including his wife.

I'm pretty sure Bonnie Hunt was in every movie I watched in the 90s.
I’m pretty sure Bonnie Hunt was in every movie I watched in the 90s.

George thinks about Beethoven some more and realizes that he probably made a mistake because the worst thing the dog ever did was make a mess around the house and save his daughter’s fucking life. He goes back to the vet to retrieve the dog but the vet tells him that Beethoven has already been put down. However, George notices that the vet’s arm is clear of bite marks and realizing the vet lied to steal his dog, he punches him but doesn’t call the police because movie logic, I guess.

Finally, a use for Pete Wentz.

Later, the whole family (because this is an appropriate family outing for three children) follow the vet to his evil lair of experimentation. George’s wife calls the police while George slinks around on the roof. Beethoven escapes without the help of the Newton family but is recaptured by the two thieves. The vet prepares to shoot Beethoven in the face because this is a goddamn children’s movie but is stopped George dramatically falls through the skylight without any lasting injury because movies don’t make sense. A once captive Jack Russel terrier prevents the vet from using the gun by biting him in the crotch because nothing lightens the mood of an awful situation like a good dick biting joke. The whole conflict is brought to a resolution when the otherwise unremarkable Newton son drives the family car with his two sisters into the warehouse.

This is the face of a murderous child who will need extensive therapy.
This is the face of a murderous child
who will need extensive therapy.

When they crash inside, a tray of syringes “flips up comically” and all the syringes fly into the vet, who presumable dies from the overdose of whatever the fuck he was injecting into all those dogs.

Again, this is a children's movie.
Again, this is a children’s movie.

The Newton family frees the remaining dogs and leave the warehouse while Stanley Tucci and Oliver Platt are presumably mauled and/or killed by a pack of dobermans. Happily every after!

There’s also a subplot about David Duchovny and Patricia Heaton posing as venture capitalists to steal money from George or something. I don’t know, I was too preoccupied by the vet and his warehouse of horrors to care about Agent Mulder and Debra Barone.

There's also a subplot about David Duchoveny and Patricia Heaton posing as venture capitalists to steal money from George or something. I don't know, I was more preoccupied by the vet and his warehouse of horrors to care about Agent Mulder and Deb Romano.
No offense, guys.

Throwback Thursday: A is for “All That”

My latest Throwback Thursday post is up on Maglomaniac! Click on the photo to check out my latest article about All That.

All_That_-_logo