White People Can Fly

I love movies. My husband, Jon, and I used to go see everything as soon as it came out, oftentimes at midnight showings because nothing says fun like sitting in a line for six hours. However, this has changed in recent years because we spawned and have become terminally uncool. Now, we rarely see movies in theaters unless it’s something major like Star Wars or Wonder Woman.

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Incidentally, both movies make me want to run out of the theater while shouting, “FUCK YEAH, FEMINISM!”

However, due to streaming services like Netflix and HBO NOW, we can now catch up on all the movies everybody has already seen and is now tired of talking about. Such was the case with La La Land, which was just added to HBO NOW in September so I could finally watch this much-hyped movie.

Meh.

There were elements of the movie I liked, others I didn’t. I don’t want to get into a full review because I don’t want to interrupt Hollywood’s self-congratulatory circle jerk, but I do need to address one scene that confused the shit out of me. Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling go to the observatory after hours (did they break in? Do they have a key for some reason?) and go into the planetarium. Then, while admiring the stars, they start dancing and then they fly. Fly

“But, Emily, it’s a musical! It’s Hollywood!”

NO. This is the only instance in the movie in which something surreal and wonky happens. Yes, there’s the re-imagining of their relationship when Emma Stone is sitting in the club, but that clearly is happening in her imagination during the song. There is no explanation whatsoever for the flying in the planetarium–they just fly around and dance before floating back into their chairs and kissing.

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And even while flying, Ryan Gosling can’t stop staring at his goddamn feet.

While discussing this nonsensical scene with Jon, we got on the topic of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (it made sense that the time), and Jon brought up the fact that the elevator could suddenly fly at the end. Then I remembered the movie Grease. For those of you who didn’t spend your childhood watching the VHS tape on a loop, Grease ends with Danny and Sandy driving away in a car that inexplicably starts flying.

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Yeah, no, this is normal and not at all concerning.

These movies have led me to the logical conclusion that white people can fly.

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However, I will concede that there is another possible explanation. There is a fan theory about Grease that Sandy died on the beach that day during her summer lovin’ with Danny and the entire movie is just her hallucination before she dies. Then, there’s another fan theory about Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that Willy Wonka is actually the devil and the kids and their parents represent the seven deadly sins.

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The river Styx is far more colorful than I anticipated.

By this logic, all white people in movies either have the power of flight or they’re all dead and we’re just living in an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

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“I see white people.”

I really need to get out more.

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